ELEVEN

You were there at some of the good times,

I resented you for not always being there

But you were always there when times were bad

You were the only one offering a hand

When the worst brought me to my knees

And when I couldn’t stand up,

You got down on yours,

And promised we’d get back up together

…

“Stay strong”, you said…

Little did you know that

That was the turning point

It was your smile that assured me

That life goes on, that acceptance comes

Even if it takes some time, it comes

But only if you believe in something bigger

You showed me that it was okay to hurt

It was okay to be human every now and then

I found God after years of looking away

Because of you

…

And then, somehow, the monster within me showed up,

And you fought it, you fought it with everything you had

You thought you could tame it, you started digging deep within me,

To find the person I was, the one you knew, only to have

the monster knock you down the deeper you dug

Didn’t you know darling, that when you told me it was okay

To be human,

That most humans are monsters in a beautiful form?

…

Without you by my side,

I learnt what it was to feel

Alone

In the middle of a crowd

Without you holding me tight,

Telling me that

things would turn around,

I saw parts of me falling to the ground

Without you,

I was a ghost.

…

So, when life gave me another chance,

I couldn’t believe it

It was you who breathed the life

Into my ghost again,

Like you did so many times before

And God, if that wasn’t the most refreshing air

To enter my lungs

…

You are one of many in my life, but you are one of those still worth loving

11.

I know

When thoughts kick their way into my head

At 3:07 am

A time-lapse of us, of what we were, flashes

And I don’t know what’s more powerful,

The beautiful memories, or the painful goodbye

…

I end up shedding a tear for you before promising

That I’d never cry over you again

…

I’ve only broken my promises ever since

…

I knew I lost you when your “goodnight”s came at

‘pm’ instead of ‘am’

When you were not necessarily peacefully sleeping

Like I watched you do so many times before

But have given up on trying to find words to say

To me

I seriously thought we’d never run out of words

…

I knew I lost you when ‘love’ was said out of habit

And not out of emotion,

When your eyes stopped smiling at the mention of it

And when you were too busy saying it

To the person replacing me

I really thought I was a ‘one-of-a-kind’

…

I knew I lost you when I disappointed you,

When I thought I was a hero,

But turned out to be a mere villain in a

Bigger story

That never included me

I honestly thought I ‘belonged’

…

I knew I lost you when you saw someone else

In me

Seeing that look in your eyes,

That look of disappointment,

Anger,

Disgust,

That broke me.

I thought wrong.

…

I knew I lost you…

Not when my heart broke,

But when you heard the sound of it breaking,

And you heard your name being screamed loud,

And you decided not to turn back…

Like you always did before.

This is where I knew for sure.

…

What shames me the most is that

I know

If you call me at 3:07 am

I’d pick up,

And pretend that all is ok.

…

I knew I’d lose myself when I met you.

Perfect Storm or/ we don’t need the same last name to be sisters

My life lacked so much light,

so much pureness,

so much peace.

Drowning had become a norm, and

letting go was the one thing I did best.

Then you came along,

And I swear I thought

You were too good to be true

You were the light at the end of the

long

terribly dark tunnel

I saw a million stars in your eyes

And within their light

I believed that tomorrow the sun will shine again

After the storm

You held my hands with your pure ones,

And made be believe

That all the dirt and debris could actually

Be completely wiped out

After the storm

You came in and peace came right with you

You were the calm

After the storm

You told me you would never leave,

You told me we could work out anything

You told me what I heard so many times before

I did not believe you,

Until you stayed…

For that, I promise to light up your days,

Bring peace to your unpleasant nights,

And remind you that you are the purest thing in my life.

You’re my soul mate, my best friend, my sister,

And I can never let you go.

As long as you’re here, I know everything will be alright –

This piece is my thank you.

5 THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF

5 THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF:

1. I hate how one simple look into

someone’s eyes – your eyes – is

capable of making me fall so deep in love

that I forget how to reach out for

the shore anymore.

How your eyes are my last resort,

when they are the reason for my drowning.

…

2. I hate how your existence meant my existence.

How I forgot to exist, to live, to love, to breathe,

without your heavenly presence. How the moment you walk away,

I crawl up and count my heartbeats, and the seconds left

until I see you again. How you are my oxygen,

when you are really my intoxication.

…

3. I hate how jealousy crawled up into my skin,

settled in my pores, found home in my

beating fist-sized organ, every time your eyes

lit up talking about that other person.

How it seized me completely, made me forget

that you were not mine. How the thought of you

belonging to me is a mere dream,

in midst of a nightmare of jealousy.

…

4. I hate how I give you my all, not expecting half the same.

How you let me down, knowing that I’d get back up instantly for you,

for your eyes. How you take me for granted, and how I don’t object to it

How I’d rather have you degrade me, than have anyone else show me

my worth.

How you are the irreplaceable part of my anatomy

when you really created a malfunction within me.

…

5. I hate how attached I am to you, to your drowning and intoxication

How I have learnt to survive it. How I find joy and satisfaction in this survival.

How all it takes to forget every horrible thing you do to me

and every terrible scar you leave on me is one look.

One look and I’m all yours again.

Choking,

absence,

worthlessness,

breakdown,

Defeat.

I hate it all, but I love you a tad more. Defeat…

Stay

8 November, 20—

Dear you,

How are you? I thought I’d never ask you this question

I always knew

I was always around you

Is life treating you the same way I did?

Is life making sure that your smile brightens up the world instead of

That burning star

That people call the sun?

See, your smile does not burn,

Your smile awakens the fire within every soul

Even though your touch is very cold

How do you do that?

Are you feeling alone?

Or is that feeling only felt by those who you abandon?

Because it seems like loneliness won’t let go of my hand

And a part of me doesn’t want it to let go of my hand (yes, my HAND)

Because that’s the only part of you still remaining

But a part of me knows that you, too, have suffered

I know that you, too, loved me once like no another

But don’t worry darling, I really am the easiest to forget

Do you remember the first time

how our eyes danced in sight of each other? (And I fell in love)

Do you know that my eyes still smile at the very mention of your name?

Do you know that I realized it was over when I looked into your eyes

And

I saw them simply looking back?

But I still fell in love,

How can I not when ever since I met you I’ve been writing solely

For your eyes?

I made peace with myself,

I convinced myself that happiness

Will never feel the same way

Without you

That my days will always lack light

Without you

That my nights will always feel starless

Without you

That I will always feel lost without

You

Darling, if I still mean anything to you,

Promise me that

You will never lose that soul-igniting smile

Or your dancing eyes

Promise me that you’ll love yourself the same way I loved you

Promise me that you’ll keep me in your memories, even if you never look back

And if you do look back, I will always welcome you,

With arms wide open, and hands ready to hold and never let go

Not again

Getting over you was the hardest, most painful thing I ever had to do, but I would gladly do it all over again if it meant having you one more time

Be good,

Be happy.

Sincerely,

Future me

PS: Prove me wrong and stay.

I’ve never wanted to be proven wrong more in my life. (8 November, 2014)

Meeting you, knowing you, loving you, and leaving you

When I met you, I couldn’t believe you, you were too good to be true. That very first time my eyes met yours, I knew for sure that they would never be able to look elsewhere. I found the world’s beauty in them. The color of a fascinating sunset shade, the warmth of a summer breeze, the depth of the deepest of oceans. I refused to look away, and neither did you.

When I believed you, I started knowing you. Knowing you must have been the best experience I’ve encountered in the past two decades of my life. That very first time you told about that scar left on your back by those who were supposed to make sure your back was always protected, I wanted nothing but to remind you everyday of how important you were to me, my life, and my survival. It’s quite amazing how that hideous scar felt like the most beautiful part of your anatomy…

I loved you soon after and that’s when I saw the end of this, the end of us. Loving you was like a dangerous fall from a cliff… But I plunged head first anyways. Loving you was like a swim deep in the ocean in the middle of a storm… But I swam across the ocean for you anyways. Loving you was like embarking on a journey to the empty quarter, with no means of survival except your presence… And that too, I did. No broken bones, damaged lungs, or blisters stopped me. I had to have you, until I realized I never could.

Leaving you is yet to happen, but what more could there be that I cannot endure? My survival is yours to decide. Lie to me, tell me you can’t do without me, and then kill me off happy.

2.01 x

Magic

Magic (noun): the art of producing illusions as entertainment by the use of sleight of hand, deceptive devices.

Magical (adjective): mysteriously enchanting

–

I was told that

Magic is bad,

Magic is dark,

Magic is deceptive.

–

I was then told that

‘Magical’ is romantic,

‘Magical’ is beautiful,

‘Magical’ is enchanting.

–

Magic must be

the most contradicting word

in my unpretentious dictionary.

–

Then I met you,

and my mind couldn’t

make out whether

the way my heart fluttered

every time your lips curved

at the very mention of my

inglorious name was

magic or magical.

–

Then I met you,

and my heart couldn’t

make out whether

the way my eyes

suffered with insomnia

whenever they weren’t

lucky enough to look

at you was

magic or magical.

–

Then I met you,

and my eyes couldn’t

make out whether

the way my soul

only needed your love

or else

it would have been as

empty as an old vase

that has been void for too long

was

magic or magical.

–

Then I met you

and you redefined

and linked

magic,

and magical,

and deceptive,

and enchanting,

and I have fallen for

your everything.

–

My

mind,

heart,

eyes,

soul,

could finally make out

that they are simply

yours,

all yours.

Your magic is magical.

Silk

781 days ago

I was meant to say goodbye

that sudden goodbye that leaves you

exasperated, yet calm..

Confused, yet completely sure..

It was the kind of goodbye that leaves you

pinching yourself in reality

hoping you don’t feel it so

you can believe that it’s just a

dream – a nightmare.

But I felt it all and I still feel it,

it was a reality and it still is.

…

That day I closed my eyes and I saw your face,

blocked out the noise and heard your voice,

and I promised to hold on to you..

…

They say the first thing you forget is their voices, and that scares me.

…

781 days later, I have to shut my eyes harder to see your

exact facial features. I have to be in a quieter place to remember the tone of your beautiful voice. But all these days later, all it takes is one touch

of my mother’s silk gown to remember exactly how your skin felt on my lips when I kissed you that sudden -merely physical- goodbye 2 years, 1 month, and 19 days ago.

…

Is it really a goodbye if I can still feel you on my skin?

TWO

TWO

It’s amazing

how I turn to those two

in my times of weakness,

looking for strength

in my times of loneliness

looking for a friend

in my times of wandering

looking for a home

looking for home

in those two

 

It’s astonishing

when the climax of my happiness

is correlated with those two

when I find beauty not in the way the trees move

or birds chirp

or flowers sway

but in the magnificence that I call those two

It’s shocking

absolutely shocking

that I would forget the ego

ignore the pride

push away the boundaries

and kick down the barriers

only to have a glance

at those two

I believe in miracles

and I believe that only He can work a miracle

and baby,

when I look at those two,

your two,

filled with that lovely shade of brown

I am assured

that I am looking at His finest

work of miracle,

that I am in the presence of

Godly beauty

that I am the fortunate slave

of Him and those two

This one’s for your eyes

2:47

2:47 AM,

The ordinary, typical silence is no longer that due to the loud noise in my mind

The ticking of the clock, the sound of the AC, the inhaling and exhaling are all blurred out

My thoughts are loud, full of your bullshit. My thoughts are loud full of your accusations; my thoughts are loud full of your mistrust and doubt

But louder than all, is the sound of my breaking heart. 2:47 AM and I am trying to ignore the sound of the shattering, the irreparable pieces, and the painful shards

2:47 AM, and I am trying to find peace in a calm dark. Trying to find silence in the most deadly of nights. 2:47 AM and I am trying to find the way out

…

2:47 PM, no amount of sunshine can rid me from the dark.